Dools wants the Blues job

Dear Carlton Board,

I know I may be late and you may have already made a decision on who will coach the Blues in 2013 and beyond but I would like to be considered as the Carlton senior coach. I know it may seem a bit out of the blue (ha ha ha, get it? Blue, like you guys! That’s an example of some of the world class humour you can expect) but I feel I’m the perfect candidate for the job, allow me to outline why.

I have a lot of clothes that match the colour blue:

It’s no secret that I look great in navy and I think that’s what you need moving forward. This isn’t a knock on outgoing coach, Brett Ratten who could pull off a predominately blue ensemble in a pinch. It’s more me telling you what I bring to the table, which is a vast array of different coloured pants that go well with a navy blue parachute material tracksuit top.

I can be really testy with the media:

Again, not a knock on Brett Ratten, but he was too nice with the media, people loved Ratts, and that was his problem. With me you’ll get an angry, confusing, downright awful human. For instance imagine this press conference after an important win over Essendon:

Andy Maher: Scott a solid win today, you must be pleased with the performance of your younger players.

Scott: Not a question, two statements. Next.

Andy: Sorry, are you happy with the performance of your younger players?

Scott: Are you still here, Maher? I said next.

Andy: But I was…

Scott: NEXT!

Caroline Wilson: Scott, I’m sorry, but as a journalist I think that that behavior is unacceptable.

Scott: Oh, you want to dance with the big dog do you Wilson? Next!

Caroline: But, I…

Scott: NEXT!

Mark Robinson: Mark Robinson, Herald Sun, Fox Footy.

Scott: Don’t need a resumé, Robbo, just a bloody question, mate.

Mark: Were you pleased with the younger players today?

Scott: No comment, that’s all I have time for today.

See? What a way to handle the press, put ‘em in their place, hire me as your senior coach and it will be done.

I’ll rename players to make them more marketable:

I’m the first to admit I am horrible with names and faces, I once called my godfather, Drew. His name is Rob. Or Kevin. It’s not important, what is, is the fact that I will change players names to suit the way I feel about them, much like Flava Flav on Flava of Love.

I’ll just walk down the line of players (oh, players will travel in exclusively in lines while I’m coach) and I’ll just rattle them off, Tall-Boy, Short-Boy, Pumpkin Patch, Scarecrow, Ferret-Face, Box-Brownie, Mousepad, Winter-Storm and Juddy. Here’s the thing, Eddie Betts could become Juddy, who knows? And that’s the other thing, they will change their names by deed poll, it’ll be all above board and legal, baby!

Chris Yarran? Who’s Chris Yarran? What’s a Chris Yarran? I know Ice-Blaster, but no Chris Yarran, are you talking about our half-back flanker, Ice-Blaster?

It makes sense.

No positions except for half-back flank:

Look at the last four premiership sides, what do they have in common? They all got a lot of run off the half-back flank. What if we had 18 half-back flankers on the ground at all times? I’ll tell you. Run. So much more run, in fact, that I’ve done the maths, and it works out to be 16 more run.

Do you know how much more run 16 is? Probably not, because you’re not a senior coach like I am. Imagine being able to say that Chest-of-Drawers, Tyre Iron, Meat-Shake and Phone Charger were all starting off a half-back flank on Saturday? It would melt Baubles brain. (Baubles is what I call Nathan Buckley.)

Gentlemen (and Jeannie) I think you’ll all agree that I am the man for the job.

Before I sign up, a few things.

I can’t work weekends. Sorry, but that’s me. I count Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday and good portion of Monday morning as the weekend, so deal with it. Also, I will still openly barrack for Collingwood, that’s me, baby. My second team will be the Swans and I would like tickets to see them play each other. Also, I don’t want to leave Sydney.

I await your reply.

Yours truly,

Scott Dooley
Carlton Senior Coach 2013-????

PS – Hope I’m not being too forward signing off as senior coach, I just think that you might be lazy and think, “we’ll he’s already got the email signature done, may as well…”