Dools improves the AFL Grand Final

It’s fair to say that I have Olympic fever, I haven’t slept for about a week and every time I see a parachute I assume it’s the Queen.  The parachute thing probably has something to do with not sleeping for a week.  It got me thinking about the Opening Ceremony and our own Opening Ceremony, the entertainment at the Grand Final.  I have a few suggestions.

Fire Meatloaf out of cannon:

Andrew Demetriou took a real whack over the Meatloaf thing at last years GF, in his defence who among us could have predicted that Meatloaf would sound like a Russian spy being tortured for nuclear codes?  There is only one way to cleanse the football world of the Loaf, and that’s to fire him out of a cannon at the start of the entertainment. 

The person to pull the trigger could be the volunteer of the year.  What a day it would be, travel to the G, meet a platinum selling music superstar and send them hurtling over the Southern Stand toward Richmond.  It would also be a bonus for the corporates as the MC – let’s say it’s Vince Sorrenti – invites the patrons at the Centre Square function on Punt Road Oval to “look up” as Meat flies overhead, perhaps belting out Took The Words Right Out Of My Mouth?  Imagine that!  And that’s just the start!  And on the big screen in cursive writing it would just say, “Thanks for the memories, Mr. Loaf”.

EVERYONE to arrive by parachute:

The highlight of the Olympic Opening Ceremony was the phony Queen parachuting in to the stadium.  Let’s take it one step further and have the real people parachuting in.  And by real people I mean everyone associated with the game in an official capacity.

Umpires, boundary, field and goal.  Water runners.  Team runners.  All players (emergencies included).  Coaching staff.  Dignitaries, imagine the ground announcer (who would have parachuted in during the under 18s) saying ladies and gentlemen, the leader of the opposition, and then who plummets into the goal square?  It’s Tony Bloody Abbott!  What a thrill!

Now, some people will be worried about safety, to them I say you have to break an egg to make an omelette.  And think of the drama!  “Hawthorn will be without Buddy Franklin today, he landed on train at Jolimont and was last seen heading toward Frankston.”  What would Clarko do?  Activate the sub?  Hope there’s an express going through Flinders St before three quarter time?  What a noodle scratcher, and you know who we have to thank?  Our old friend amateur skydiving.

Make it more like The Voice:

Before we get into this I should let you know that I conservatively estimate this innovation will cost about 1.6 billion dollars.  But that’s money well spent.  We convert every chair at the MCG into enormous swivel chairs that turn at the push of a button.

You arrive at the ground, and you sit down but rather than face the ground you find yourself facing the wall.  Music starts, what’s this?  That sounds great, you press your button and who’s there but the top 8 from The Voice all wearing footy jumpers of the top eight finalists, as the song goes on they walk off or are hoisted out of the ground by helicopters, in the same order as the teams were knocked out in September.  This leaves two, the two Grand Finalists singing something about winning.  The problem with this is that the chairs are so big that the grounds capacity would go from 100,000 to about 15, 000.  Still imagine feeling like Delta at the footy.  It’ll be worth it.

Grand Final sprint replaced with Grand Final cook-off:

Yes, Lewis Jetta is quick but can he cook a leg of lamb?  You’ll find out half time when the AFL’s quickest players cook a recipe chosen by a survey of all AFL coaches and judged by Matt Preston.   Imagine the smell burnt onion filling the ground as we find out that GWS youngster Tommy Bugg has buggered up the soup that Hirdy voted for in the survey.  Excitement?  You know it!

I think it’s fair to say that that I’ve just described one hell of a day out.

In seriousness though, my prediction is AC/DC to perform and it will be something we talk about in the same way we still talk about Peter Allen in 1980.  It will become the high-water mark of pregame entertainment and unlike 1980, Collingwood will win the flag in an upset!