“It’s not netball!!” – A blog by Scott Dooley
I had a great day at the footy yesterday, I went to see the top of the ladder Swans take on the Saints. It was a weird game, the Saints had a cracking first term but still never looked like winning.
Even when Milne was up and about it all just seemed like a matter of time before the Swans took control, and that’s what happened. I stood behind the goals with my girlfriend, and my mate, Muz, who barracks for St. Kilda.
The afternoon has been voted worst date in history. That notwithstanding, my girlfriend and I had a great time yelling things out to make each other laugh, Muz was in a pretty bad place after quarter time. Here are some of our favourites.
Why don’t you kick it for him:
An oldie but a goodie, if your team has been struggling to get a free kick you should always remember that it’s the umpire’s fault.
It has nothing to do with the fact that your team’s players are second to the ball or that in any other dimension your full-back would be transported on a trolley while wearing a straight-jacket and leather muzzle.
These factors mean nothing, it’s the umpire’s fault. Damn guy, doing his job.
Well, get him back with this little ripper, then relax while you watch the free kicks come your way. The umpy won’t know what to make of it.
At first he’ll be like, “But I’m not a player, surely that couldn’t be directed at me”.
Then after thinking about it for a second, he’ll think, “Wait a second, that is about me, that person’s suggesting that I’m showing favouritism to a particular team and that is manifesting itself in the form of free kicks, I’d better put a stop to this!”
He will then stop play and give your team a free kick. I just hope you don’t like using your legs because you will be carried out of the ground on the shoulders of your fellow supporters.
Have a shot:
There’s a “have-a-shot” sweet spot that works like a bell curve. It’s at its funniest in the goal square.
When a full forward takes a grab in the goal square and goes back to line up the easiest shot for goal in football it is hilarious to wait until he’s just about to kick and scream out, “Have a shot!” It’s a classic.
Same for when the full back is kicking out after a behind, it’s a beauty! But work further away from your “funny zones” people will think you’re a crazy person.
It’s not funny to scream have a shot when Jude Bolton has the ball on centre wing.
It’s a ridiculous suggestion, he can’t kick it that far, no one can, you look like an idiot. You know what, just… just be quiet for the rest of the quarter, you’re getting on my nerves.
MODRA:
When there’s a big pack flying for the ball in the forward line, scream, “MODRA”, and let the appreciative laughs wash over you. If Modra’s not your go, mix it up. ABLETT! CAPPER! Even LOCKETT!
They all work, they all bring back memories of a bygone era, a time when hair was stupid, shorts were tight and full forwards would take big grabs and kick 10 goals a week.
It’s pretty funny because those guys aren’t playing in the game you’re watching. Unless you have a time machine which begs the question, why aren’t stopping crimes instead of watching football games?
While I have you, can you please check if the Harmes ball was in or out in the ‘79 Grand Final. Thanks.
It’s Not Netball:
You know when you see someone get smashed in a game of football and you automatically think, how can I make this about me, the non-participant?
Wonder no more, simply scream “it’s not netball!!!” It works on a number of levels. Two levels. Literal, it’s true, it’s not netball. Metaphoric, it’s not netball.
Just yell it out, egghead.
Take these things and use them wisely. It’s not funny to yell the right thing at the wrong time. Trust me, I can’t look at parts of the MCG without being reminded of the “Get him his walking frame” incident of 2004.
I don’t want to go into it, just know that I’m not proud of it and that I wrote a sincere apology to Dustin Fletcher.
Post Script (I don’t use PS, it’s cheap): Just heard from the time machine guy, turns out the ball was out. So apology accepted, Carlton.
