Mike Pyke: The Untold Story
The Swans looked good on the weekend. Really good. Win the flag good. One of the many things that caught my eye was Mike Pyke, not a lot is known about Mike Pyke other than he’s tall and Canadian so I thought I’d give you the rundown on the big man. I should point out that most of these things are made-up and if they’re not it’s a coincidence.
He Was Raised By Bears:
Pyke grew up in a forest just outside Vancouver. His parents took him there for a picnic when he was a baby but they were forced to leave him there after two bears fell in love with the wide-eyed youngster.
In Mike’s human parent’s defense, bears can be incredibly persuasive. So the two bears and Mike formed a family unit, this explains Mike’s love of salmon, and foraging for nuts and berries. John Longmire often tells Pyke to concentrate on taking the ball in his hands; Ted Richards serves as translator and tells Pyke to mark the ball in his paws.
Considering he was raised by bears, Mike is a well adjusted human being, which is a surprise given the fact that bears don’t have the cognitive capacity for complex human interaction.
Mike did pick up a few bad habits from his life as a bear, one is mispronouncing picnic, he goes with “pic-a-nic” another is that he loves to eat out of rubbish bins near campsites. Apart from that you’d have no idea that he spent the first 15 years of his life taking social cues from two 400 kilogram killing machines.
He Published a Series of Books Under the Name JK Rowling:
That’s right. That JK Rowling. The world of wonder and majesty that we were introduced to in the world of Harry Potter is the brainchild of Mike Pyke. He had the idea one day when he was watching ice-hockey, he started tapping away and the next thing he knew, he’d written six books.
Pyke thought it would be good to employ a woman to pretend to be him so that he could focus on other parts of his life, so the woman you see taking the credit for writing the Harry Potter series of books is actually an actress from Reading (ironic, huh?) named Carol Jenkins.
The real author is an enormous Canadian who was raised by bears. Mike Pyke is a billionaire, but he doesn’t carry on about it, that’s not how is bear parents raised him.
He Once Held His Breath For An Entire Quarter Of Football:
In a reserves game against GWS Mike said to his direct opponent, “I bet I can hold by breath for this whole quarter”, the guy standing him said, “No you can’t”. Pyke went into a trance like state took a deep breath and didn’t move. Twenty seven minutes later he exhaled. At three quarter time the coach asked Pyke what the hell he thought he was doing, Pyke explained himself and the coach said, “great work”.
He Speaks Three Languages:
Admittedly one is made up and the other is French, but still pretty good considering he was raised by bears.
Every Year He Predicts The End Of The World:
You know that crazy guy near Town Hall Station who has the sandwich board that says the world’s going to end and we’re all going to hell? That’s Mike Pyke!
Every year on January 1, the first thing he does is pick a date, then he tells everyone that an asteroid is hurtling toward earth because we live in sin. He then turns that date into a sign, grabs a bell goes to the corner of George and Druitt and gets crazy for a couple of hours. He tries to get there a few times a week but it’s hard with interstate travel and training.
He Invented The Saying “Takes one to know one”:
Mike was having an argument with Wayne Gretzky in 1999, Wayne said something about something and Mike blurted out, “takes one to know one”. Wayne’s brain nearly exploded. I’m not exaggerating, Gretzky collapsed and doctors who were on the scene, (Pyke and Gretzky were in a hospital, arguing over who was next to see the doctor) said that Wayne’s brain had been on the verge of a series explosion, they immediately asked him if he’d heard any new sayings, Wayne told them what he’d heard and three nurses who were on hand died. The cause of death was put down as Pyke Power.
He Can Start Fires With Eyes:
Apparently it’s Canadian thing and it’s not that impressive. I thought it was pretty cool.
I hope that makes Mike Pyke a little easier to understand, remember don’t ever look him in the eye, that’s how he steals your thoughts.