Dools enters the Twilight Zone
In a word, this AFL season has been weird. Any team can win any game or, if you barrack for Richmond, any team can lose any game. But it could get weirder, I’ll tell you how…
Travis Cloke wins the Coleman:
Anyone who saw Collingwood play North will know that the idea of Cloke winning the Coleman sounds insane but it’s even more crazy because he’ll win it by kicking 30 goals against Essendon, making him the first sub to kick more than 20 goals in a home and away match.
Cloke’s father, David, will then demand so much money for his son’s next contract that he will only get paid if a club declares it self a nation state and makes Travis Cloke their entire defense budget. Sadly, that’s exactly what Melbourne will do causing Don Scott to burn the world’s youngest country’s flag at a press conference, many youngsters will be heard saying, “What’s a Don Scott?”
After making the 8 on percentage every Carlton player will predict the Blues will win the flag:
Carlton will limp into the finals but every single listed Carlton player will loudly and repeatedly declare that anything less than a 10 goal win in the Grand Final will be a failure. They’ll be beaten by seven goals by an undermanned West Coast Eagles in the first week of the finals and on the footy trip before week two has started.
Jeremy Howe will be kicked out of the AFL for being a bird:
After setting the footy world on fire with his high flying marks Jeremy Howe will be deregistered in disgrace after a routine blood test will prove that he’s actually a bird wearing a human suit.
The AFL will be forced to test Howe after Brock McLean mentions that he left the Dees because he was sick of coaches picking seagulls. Naturally people will assume that Brock is talking about tanking from his locker that’s RIGHT NEXT TO MATTHEW KREUZER’S!! But it will turn out he’s talking about a literal seagull, Jeremy Howe.
Howe will apologise to fans and teammates while hovering in an updraft, he’ll then soil the windscreen of the car won by the guy who took mark of the year, Adam Goodes. Goodes’ will win mark of the year with an uncontested chest mark taken in the backline, the reasoning for this is that nobody bothered to look at anyone else’s marks because they thought that Howe had it in the bag. Goodes will be chosen as the winner because, “he just seems like a really good bloke”.
First Killer Whale named as umpire:
Umpire’s boss, Jeff Gieschen has been promising innovation since he took the reins and in round 22 he will put his money where his mouth is by naming Shmeemo, a Killer Whale, as a boundary umpire for the Gold Coast-Carlton fixture.
It will be believed that Shmeemo had been running the boundary in the VFL and was ready to make the jump to AFL. Unfortunately, none of this will turn out to be true and the whole experiment will be an absolute disaster, think about it, Shmeemo is a 5000 kilo water based mammal, she needs salt water to move, football is played on land, a fact overlooked by all involved in the decision making process.
From the opening bounce Shmeemo will flap about on centre wing at the G, blowing it’s specially fitted blowhole whistle every time she gasps for air. This will cause players to stop and for field umpires to constantly shriek, “Play on”. Shmeemo will be replaced at half time but the damage will be done, three unnecessary goal-line referrals will be Shmeemo’s lasting impact on the game and his performance will hold back a Cricky, a goal umpire who had hoped to be the first dolphin to officiate a final.
There are more crazy things that could happen like Aker not saying anything offensive around the time of the Brownlow so that the focus is on Jobe Watson and whoever comes second to Jobe Watson, nobody will complain about the home final system, footy teams will celebrate Mad Monday without any fuss because they’ll all be alcohol-free events.